Has it ever happened to you that you come across a beautiful and stunning woman or a hot and handsome guy, and stopped dead on your tracks and completely froze? You wanted to talk to that person but an invisible force impeded you. You didn’t know what to say or how to act, and you had this strange sinking feeling in your stomach… feels familiar? This has happened to me numerous times, still happens now and again, but I’ve become much better in dealing with it.
One day, I felt an immense amount of regret and emotional pain within me and I asked myself the questions that I had been avoiding since a long time: Why didn’t I go and talk to that person? What was stopping me from taking action? Why did I choose the pain of regret over the contentedness of action?
Upon self-introspection, the truth that I faced was ugly and not easy to swallow:
“She was gorgeous, tall and a goddess in true form, and look at me… I am not cut for her. She is perfect and I am not. I don’t deserve her and she is not meant to be with me.”
And that uncovered a deeper sense of unworthiness that was ingrained in me.
I was rejecting myself even before I took any action.
I wanted to get into the crux of unworthiness and know what actually dictated it. I forced myself to face my deep-seeded fears and decided to challenge and deal with them head-on. We usually come with up reasons and excuses to justify our inaction, but these are completely baseless. Without further ado, let’s deconstruct the unworthiness issue, once and for all. Here are some factors that play a major role in making us feel unworthy and consider someone out of our league:
- Physical looks:
Just that some person won the genetic lottery doesn’t mean that person is a perfect human being and an angel of sorts. They are human beings having the same struggles that we all have. We often put people of opposite sex on a pedestal because of their looks and physical beauty, but in reality, we are all human beings. No one is better than or inferior to any other person. And this is true and can be proven both scientifically and spiritually. If we look DNA-wise, we’re all 99.9% similar genetically. And if we see ourselves in a spiritual light, the fundamental laws of Universe apply to all of us equally and we are all part of the same Source energy or Infinite Intelligence. As Wayne Dyer has rightly said: “We are all spiritual beings immersed in a human experience.
For a good amount of time, I thought I did not deserve beautiful and hot women because of my shorter than average height. I thought my fate was decided. Maybe I had a curse from my previous life, and I thought of it as a punishment that I needed to suffer in this lifetime. All these negative beliefs kept me away from ever getting involved in the dating process altogether. I stayed away from it thinking I had no control over my dating life. But the truth was deep down, I felt unworthy in every way. I was aware of all the rich talents I had and my excellent social skills, but still, I convinced myself that no one would want me because of my short height. I let my height disable me, and hence I chose to thrive in victimhood instead of correcting my thoughts and taking action.
Physical looks do play a small role in courtship and dating, but there are other major important things that we need to work on to be an attractive person. As Mark Manson has remarked: “Being good looking is not the same as being attractive.” We can work on a lot of other factors such as dressing well, grooming and correcting our body language. When we work on things that are in our control, we can elevate our charisma and charm. Instead of getting hung up on one issue, we should work on becoming a well-rounded and complete person.
- Limiting beliefs and insecurities:
Along with physical looks, we are habituated with all the limiting beliefs that we harbor from an early age around things such as status in the society, money, career choices, age, race and many more. This is all bullsh*t. The unfortunate fact is that we all get influenced by the belief system of the people that surround us in our childhood while growing up. Also, we are invested too much in the norms of the society and all the false truths that are showcased in the media and the news. Because these belief patterns have lasted for so long it may take a while to loosen the knots and become free from them. In spite of the fact that it may require some patience and discipline, slowly but steadily we can unshackle ourselves from these limiting beliefs and insecurities that had previously affected us and our dating success.
The problem with limiting beliefs and insecurities is that after awhile they become a crutch for us. We end up cultivating a victim mindset and justify our lack of effort. We start conjuring up excuses of why inaction is a better choice than action. Our limiting beliefs trick us to stay in the comfort zone and never step out of it. The best way to eliminate these beliefs and insecurities is to simply take action, as minuscule as they may be. With action, we get clarity and realize why our beliefs and thought patterns were so meaningless. Once we get the evidence of our faulty beliefs, we get hooked to taking action. Whether the results come or not is a different story, but at least we are happy that we are taking action and building a new identity for ourselves.
When we focus on the trivial details, we stop focusing on the important virtues such as honesty and character, and the real meaning of love. We need to understand that all these external factors and the shiny objects do not play a major role when it comes to attraction and love. Sure, they may elicit a short-term attraction but it won’t last long. We need to look at our limiting beliefs and understand what we can change and what we cannot. Improvement is the name of the game so if there are any characteristics that we can improve ourselves on, then we should make efforts to do so. And for the factors that are not in our control, we should learn to accept them and not let them affect us and our well-being. By focusing on our mission and doing the work that we love, over time, we can definitely become successful, wealthy and achieve a high status, which is a great by-product but not something that we should be aiming for. Along with detaching from the shiny objects, we need to let go of the details such as our race, age, color of skin and what culture we have been raised in. There’s nothing we can change about what has happened in the past or what we were dealt with in this lifetime, but from now on, we can make a commitment to ourselves to invest and work harder on ourselves to become a better person every day. When we keep growing every day, the limiting beliefs that we have been sheltering within us all along start dissolving and departing for good.
- Lack of purpose:
As a man, I have realized that not having a purpose in our lives can cause a deep sense of unworthiness within us. When we cultivate passions and do things that we enjoy and feel good about, unworthiness disappears.
Marcus Aurelius, the Stoic philosopher, also echoed this notion in one of his reflections: “… remembering that our own worth is measured by what we devote our energy to.”
When we channel our creative energies to do work that involves utilizing our talents and serving other people in the best way we can, we end up defining our mission or our divine purpose. This gives meaning to our existence. Because this mission energizes us and is our primary focus, we get so involved in it that we don’t even have time to feel an ounce of unworthiness. On the contrary, we start understanding our value and the contribution that we are making in people’s lives. Through a sense of purpose and doing the work that we are passionate about, we become more confident, more exuberant and hence start feeling more worthy. We start realizing that we do deserve someone who is as enthusiastic and as passionate as we are about our work and our life. Our self-esteem soars and we enter a totally different ball game where it’s not about pursuing someone but rather getting in tune with a like-minded person and develop a relationship with him or her.
In our society, we all wear a mask of strength and fortitude. But when we get behind those masks, we lose our realness and uniqueness. Vulnerability is not a weakness, it is a strength. As Brene Brown has rightly said in her book Daring Greatly, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.”
When we expose our true intentions by initiating a conversation, giving a sincere compliment, or indicating our interest, we become vulnerable. Irrespective of the consequences, we just need to understand that when we communicate with vulnerability, we reveal a truth about ourselves.
When you reveal your interest in someone, you’re walking the path of truth. Why give in to fear when you can you can be truthful and just say what is in your head? As we choose to be more real and communicate our genuine intentions, we dissociate from all the unnatural behaviors and habits that we have learned from other people in the society. We communicate authenticity. And when we do that, not only do we have a better and real conversation with someone who we truly like, but it also helps us in fueling our worthiness by knowing that we are a real, authentic person and neither shy nor awkward about expressing our uniqueness.
- Fear of rejection and judgment:
The sad truth about not taking action and doing what needs to be done is that often times we are afraid of rejection. We are afraid of what will happen if the other person is not attracted to us in the way we want them to be. And if we take action, what will that person think about us? Sometimes we are afraid to initiate a conversation or show our interest because we are afraid how the people around us will react. When we stop giving a f*ck about other people and what they will think about us, we start living a life that is true to us.
A great lesson to live by is the following quote from the book The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson:
“You and everyone you know are going to be dead soon. And in the short amount of time between here and there, you have a limited amount of f*cks to give. Very few, in fact. And if you go around giving a f*ck about everything and everyone without conscious thought or choice—well, then you’re going to get f*cked.”
The person that we are indicating our interest to may blow us out in a terrible way, and that’s the story we keep telling ourselves. But we don’t pay attention to the positive aspects. What if you have a wonderful conversation and end up going on a date with him or her? We never really know how the things are going to unfold. So why not choose the path of action and go for what we want? In the grand scheme of things, the judgment of people doesn’t even matter. People are more focused on their own lives and their own issues and problems that they’re dealing with.
We don’t need to start being a rebel and do super weird things, but we need to understand that we can definitely take actions within the confines of the society and let go of all the judgments that we are afraid of. We don’t need to engage in extreme actions, but we can attempt to push the boundaries. We have a short life and in this digital age, time is quickly passing by. If you keep delaying your actions, you will never be able to experience and embrace the life you truly want to live. Don’t let other people decide if you’re worthy or unworthy; it is YOU who needs to make the call.
- Fear of the unknown:
Apart from the fear of rejection and judgment, another invisible fear that fuels our unworthiness is the fear of the unknown.
What if that cute girl actually is interested in me and we end up dating?
This occurrence seems so unreal to us when the story we have been telling ourselves all along is that we don’t deserve that person. If things go in our favor, this story will completely change, and we human beings are highly resistant to change. The reason why we experience this fear is that we have attached our identity to that story and the momentum of feeling unworthy and thinking that we don’t deserve to be with our ideal partner is still strong. We don’t think we’re cut for that kind of life. We are scared if things start going our way; how are we going to adapt to that reality? But the way we can move forward is to detach our sense of identity from that story.
We need to understand that every day is a blank slate and the past does not equal the future. No matter what we have been telling ourselves in the past and what experiences we’ve had so far, we have a blank spotless future ahead of us. Our past doesn’t determine our future but the actions that we take today determines it. If we need to change our lives then we must be willing to embrace our worthiness in the present moment and start visualizing the future that we want. A great way to start is practicing visualization and affirmations and getting acquainted on a daily basis with the future life we want to build. With this practice, our fear of the unknown will soon dissipate. We all need a direction, so invest your time and energy in figuring out what kind of relationship and person you want in your life. As success becomes more familiar to us, fear disappears.
- The Scarcity Mindset:
Feeling unworthy is also a symptom of not realizing that the Universe is abundant. Maybe in our past, we got so attached to someone that we lost the worthiness that we had in ourselves. Because things didn’t go the way we wanted them to, instead of acceptance, we started justifying the reasons why things didn’t work out for us. And the easiest reason to come up with was that we were unworthy and didn’t deserve a person of that caliber. Because we were so blinded by our infatuation for that one person, we didn’t even pay attention to the other more compatible options around us. And maybe some of those blind spots still exist today.
We need to open ourselves to the abundance around us.
There’s no one particular soulmate designated for you but there are multiple opportunities for you to find love and end up in relationships. An incompatibility in the past doesn’t mean that you are unworthy. It just means that you have not met your match yet. Sometimes, we need to be patient and wait before someone manifests in our lives. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t have options around us and we are unworthy. Along with developing worthiness in ourselves and taking inspired actions, we also need to trust the timing of the Universe.
We need to surrender and let go. When we are in tune with the Universe and the abundance around us, we let go of all our fears and the irrational belief of unworthiness. You are a worthy being and there are a lot of options around you. If you have faith and trust that there are other people seeking the same thing as you are seeking, you’ll start feeling better and get aligned with your uniqueness and worthiness again. Start practicing getting in tune with patience and abundance, and you won’t even give unworthiness the time of your day.
We need to get transparent and ask ourselves why do we feel unworthy?
Often times, we feel we are not enough. When we’re searching for a partner, this is a very bad premise to begin with. Many people end up settling with someone that they really don’t love. It’s all because of varying degrees of unworthiness we feel within us.
We feel that we are broken and cannot be fixed. We are meant to live life this way. But this is far from the truth. Even if you’re bringing great things and people in your life but deep down you still feel you’re not worthy of them, you will always self-sabotage your success.
The first step to reclaiming worthiness is loving ourselves as we are. No matter how much time and introspection it takes, our first primary goal is to get aligned with our true selves.
By first aligning to ourselves and what makes us feel good, we can attract anything, whether it be people, luxuries or wealth. We need to find things that bring meaning to our lives. Often we feel lack and we believe we don’t deserve the great things in life. The problem is we are not allowing them in our experience. We are creators and designers of our own lives and we can bring forth any experience that we desire in our lives.
You are perfect as you are. Just understand that we are all spiritual beings on this planet and we are all equal. There is no reason that should stop you from getting the things that you really want in your life. Your shortcomings are not your disabilities. If you get aligned with your true potential, you can eventually turn those shortcomings into your strengths.
You deserve the best. It doesn’t matter if someone may seem miles out of your league in your first encounter with him/her. If you think you don’t deserve that person, that is how things will manifest. You have to get your thoughts dialed in. If you open your eyes, there are countless examples of your desired success around you. Get inspired by them and start working on attracting that level of success in your life.
If there is one major point you can take away from this essay, let it be this mantra:
“No one is too good for me.”
Think of yourself as the prize. Think of yourself as the person that your ideal partner deserves.
The best antidote to unworthiness is physical, mental and spiritual growth. When you get into the path of becoming better every day, you start growing the worthiness within you. When you let go of the unworthiness, you let go of the neediness. And then attracting a partner becomes easy and effortless. It becomes not about finding a partner but more about attracting the right one. That’s a big paradigm shift and once adopted, it has the potential to bring more successful and fulfilling relationships in your life.
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